FUCKING IN AUSTRIA



The village of Fucking in Upper Austria
(municipality of Tarsdorf, Innviertel region)
Picturesque Fucking (pronounced Fooking)
a stone’s throw from Salzburg (I suspect
Mozart liked Fucking), close by the border
with Germany (Germans are fond of Fucking
in Austria, God knows that Austria’s foremost)
Chaplin impersonator fucked them) has just
over a hundred people, a mere thirty-two houses
and some problems (tourists keep stealing
the signs) with its PR (if a terrorist bombed
Fucking, how would the Anglophone media
cope? Newspapers blushing red black and
white might be forced to resort to EXPLOSION
 IN F******G (but most likely they’d just
say “IN AUSTRIA” because no-one knows
where Fucking is anyway. Imagine Fox and
the Telegraph frothing at the mouth while
blaming refugees for “the unconscionable
attack on F*****g” while the Guardian
lectures everyone over chai lattes for being
bigots and not issuing trigger warnings whenever
someone says “Fucking” (later it will turn out
it was actually France who did it) which is a
shame really because it is a pretty hamlet
and only has the four fucking signs that people
keep fucking stealing, including the one that says
“Bitte – nicht so schnell!” with the picture of
children crossing the road, but there you go,
the fucking Americans want to go see Mozart’s
 birthplace in Salzburg, the Japanese all want
to see fucking Hitler’s birthplace at Braunau

for some reason, and the British all want to get to
Fucking, and who can blame them – Fucking
is awesome and I long to explore Fucking
myself and send back postcards, but then again
most villages just across the border in Germany
have fucking awful names too: Affendorf
 (Monkeyville) for example, forgo fucking dairy in
quaint Faulebutter (Rancid Butter), and Quixotes
refrain from tilting at the Fuck Mills of Fickmühlen.
Are cats particularly smart in Cat Brained Katzenhirn?
Because no one is in Plöd (Stupid). And fuck you
should probably wear a Regenmantel (Raincoat)
when you visit Unterkaka (Lower Poo Poo). Don’t
fucking catch genital Warzen, and above all avoid
the fucking Sklavenhaus (Slave House). Besides
the Sixth Century Bavarian noble by the name of
Focko who founded Fucking has nothing at all

to do, silly, gutter-minded APW, with sex.

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